9 Snarky Slogans for the Biggest Software, Technology, Internet, and Games Companies

Article by George Norman (Cybersecurity Editor)

on 16 Jun 2017

Remember how Google replaced its unofficial "Don’t be evil" motto with a new "Do the right thing" slogan when it introduced parent company Alphabet? That got me thinking…

What if Google’s slogan would have been created by a snarky, cynical, and cranky editor like myself? And what if that editor were to come up with nasty slogans for some of the biggest software, technology, and internet companies? Oh, game companies too!

Well, here’s what I came up with.

1. "Helping you prove your friends wrong since 1998" – Google.

So you’re saying there’s no way Microsoft saved Apple from bankruptcy. Let me pull up Google and prove you wrong.

There is a reason why Google is used as a verb and why it’s been added to the Merriam-Webster Collegiate Dictionary and the Oxford English Dictionary. It’s because most people use Google’s search engine to look up information online.

Sure, there are plenty of other alternatives out there, like the privacy-oriented DuckDuckGo, computational knowledge engine Wolfram Alpha, and even Bing which was initially presented by Microsoft as a "decision engine." But you’re not going to switch, not when Google already knows everything about you and uses that information to deliver personalized results.

If you’re like me, then the only time you’re going to visit Bing.com is when you want to check out its cool image of the day. But most times I won’t even do that, not when Bing Desktop automatically fetches it and sets it as my desktop wallpaper. That’s literally the only reason why I haven’t uninstalled it yet.

2. "It’s the Glorious PC Master Race you dolt" – Microsoft.

4K resolution. Constant 60FPS. Steam sales. And more.

The global PC market is in a downwards spiral now that more and more people are choosing to get a mobile device instead of a traditional desktop computer.

Still, there is one category of people who are never going to switch to a mobile (or a console), and that’s gamers – hardcore gamers who need a powerful machine to run the latest triple A game at max settings and a constant 60FPS.

3. "We've innovated the world’s most advanced innovation so it’s now even more innovative" – Apple.

I could have gone with something like "We’ll sell you overpriced stuff and blatantly rip you off because we’re a greedy bunch," but I’m saving that for EA. God dammit, now I’m going to have to think of something else.

I honestly don’t know who is worse here: Apple’s marketing team for using the same buzzwords year in and year out, or all the fanboys who gobble it up year in and year out. Whenever Apple presents a new product, it’s always "the world’s most advanced" or "an innovative new" something, or a reinvented version of something that nobody asked for.

Don’t believe me? Here’s how described Philip Schiller describes the AirPods. I’ve highlighted every word that makes me cringe:

"AirPods are the first headphones to deliver a breakthrough wireless audio experience, and with the new Apple W1 chip they deliver innovative features including high quality sound, great battery life and automatic setup. AirPods are simple and magical to use, with no switches or buttons, automatically connecting to all your Apple devices simply and seamlessly, and letting you access Siri with just a double tap."

And let’s not forget courage. It took "courage" for Apple to remove the iPhone’s headphone jack.

4. "We’re blowing away the competition" – Samsung.

If I keep pouring champagne on it, it’s going to be safe, right? Right?

I know that picking on the Galaxy Note 7’s exploding battery problem is a cheap shot, so let me focus on something else: money. There was a time when Samsung’s flagships were a cheaper alternative to Apple’s iPhone – and they had better specs too.

My very first smartphone was a Galaxy S2 and it cost significantly less than an iPhone. But ever since Samsung opted for a premium design, the Galaxy S flagships cost an arm and a leg. And I for one am not going to spend a wad of cash on something that’s going to become obsolete in a year or two – assuming I don’t drop and break it first.

5. "We’ll make you feel bad about yourself and you’ll love us for it" – Facebook.

Social networking is great, even the parts that suck.

Around 2 billion people around the world use Facebook, including your boss who might see an inappropriate post and fire you, that racist uncle who always makes inappropriate jokes at family gatherings, and all those people who are always posting photos of their annoyingly amazing lives. And let’s not forget about your ex, who you’re constantly stalking with that secondary Facebook account that your current girlfriend knows nothing about.

Facebook is bad for your happiness and if you don’t already know why, go check this out.

6. "We’re never going to be number one worldwide" – Mozilla.

Always the runner-up, never the winner.

I am a big Firefox fan and I’ve always hoped that Mozilla’s web browser would become the number one most popular browser in the world. Sadly, that briefly happened just once, back in 2009. Firefox has always been the second-most popular browser worldwide, behind Microsoft’s Internet Explorer back in the day and behind Google’s Chrome nowadays.

7. "Proud Winners of the 'Worst Company in America' Award. Twice!" – Electronic Arts.

The Consumerist: "And the Golden Poo trophy goes to, drum rolls please, Electronic Arts."
EA: "Cool, now I have a matching set."

Back in 2012, after pissing off a lot of people with Mass Effect 3’s terrible ending, EA won The Consumerist’s Worst Company in America award. The next year, in 2013, EA once again won the "Worst Company in America award, making it the first company to get two Golden Poos.

The Consumerist no longer holds this contest, and I’m guessing that EA is breathing a sigh of relief. With Mass Effect: Andromeda being a huge disappointment, they might just have gotten a third Golden Poo.

Let’s just hope that BioWare does a good job with Anthem. It looked great at EA Play 2017 so… fingers crossed.

8. "Discounts, discounts, discounts. Also, sales!" – Valve.

Why would you want to pay full price when you can get a discount? At Steam, the discounts never stop!

One of the coolest things about Steam is that it frequently offers discounts. I don’t have that many games in my Steam library, about 42 if I’m not mistaken. Apart from the odd title here and there, all of them were bought for a discount or during a Steam Sale.

And before you ask, the answer is no, I don’t have a problem with waiting until a game is discounted or until the next Steam Sale comes around. I’m perfectly fine playing an older video game.

Bonus Valve slogan from my colleague Frederick Barton:
"We have an irrational fear of the number 3."

9. "Our new logo is just like our servers – complete s*it" – Ubisoft.

Ubisoft servers are as reliable as… actually, I can't think of something that’s as bad as this.

Ubisoft recently updated its logo, introducing the new Ubisoft swirl. A few days later, Ubisoft presented the public’s reaction to their new logo and actually acknowledged that the swirl looks like a poop from side view.

Are there any snarky slogans that you’d like to share? Feel free to post them in the comments below.

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